Palacio Belmonte

This hotel was selected by Conde Nest as 'one of the 20 coolest hotels in the world'.
I can only assume that Conde Nest don't get out much these days.
The welcome was certainly chilly enough. We waited 15 minutes in the empty reception area for someone to check us in and take us to our suite (yes, we'd splashed out a bit - a lot - for a special treat).
The suite itself was palatial and exquisitely restored, or at least from what we could see in the semi-dark it was palatial and exquisitely restored. Unfortunately, not all of the lights worked in the bedroom, so it was hard to tell. They promised to fix them in the morning. They never did. But for all that it was impressive.
It even has a mini-kitchen, boasted the chap who showed us around. Well, yes, but a kitchen is of little use to anyone if it is completely empty of anything you might want to use in a kitchen. Not even a spoon.
Next morning, in the bright sun of daylight we couldn't find a hair dryer after we'd bathed (no shower). I phoned reception. Sorry, they are all being used in the other occupied rooms of the hotel. Always good to know that the other guests are being well looked after, even if you are not.
I decided to seek consolation by having a kiwi fruit that they'd kindly left in a bowl on table. Ah, no knife to peel it with. Not even that spoon. Perhaps some of that bottled water that we'd asked them to put in the room when we went out for dinner the previous evening. Nope, they'd not delivered on that either.
Still, the view from the suite, high on the hill overlooking the river was fantastic, and the suite itself exquisitely restored. I know, I'll sit at the desk and do some reading before breakfast. A beautiful chair and desk, exquisitely restored. Except that when you sit at the chair you discover that it fits with the desk so badly that your chin doesn't reach the top of the desk. I'm no six-footer, but I'm not short either.
And so it went on...Oh well, the room is exquisitely restored and the view is magnificent. Which is what you are paying for in this 5 star pad. I certainly can't believe we were paying for the service or the facilities, neither of which rose above 2 star standard. If ever there was a place that was getting by on its looks, this is it.
There is little else to recommend this mean spirited and joyless joint.