Alcudi-Mar

On arrival at the hotel, tired, hungry and ready for a shower (following a total 10 hours worth of travelling and delays), nothing could have prepared us for the nightmare that was the Alcudi Mar.
Arrived at about 5pm to be told that we didn't have a room! There had apparently been a problem with their booking system which meant the we had to stay in an "overflow room" for the first night. We were warned by reception that the room we had been allocated for our first night "wasn't very good" but talk about understatement! We were handed a key attached to a lump of wood which resembled something you would be given if you needed the loo at an out of town petrol station and basically pointed in the direction of a "staff only" door.
Now considering this was supposed to be a 4 Star hotel we didn't expect to be lugging 3 suitcases plus hand luggage down a spiral staircase (as there was no lift to the part of the hotel they had dumped us) without any assistance from the staff. Not one of them offered to help.
We eventually found our "room" at the end of a smelly, damp corridor with no light bulbs and broken floor tiles and were absolutely flabbergasted. The room was beyond awful! It smelt of damp, it was dirty and full of cobwebs, it was dark and dingy, it had no window (as it was in the basement), the air conditioning didn't work (it must have been 50 degrees Celsius), tiles on the floor and bathroom wall were dirty and broken and the furniture looked like a throw back from the 50's. The mattresses were dirty and stained with goodness knows what. We later found out that years ago these rooms were basically staff quarters and never used - lovely! After the worst night ever (you can imagine, no windows, no air conditioning, height of summer) we were eventually allocated a room around mid-day the following day. We thought the holiday could only get better. How wrong we were.
The clientele is predominantly German, which usually doesn't bother us but, at this hotel the British just don't get a look in. The staff at the bar ignored us choosing to serve the Germans first (this just gave the green light for the Germans to push in front of you even more than usual). When you were eventually asked what you wanted it seemed such a chore for them, they practically threw your change at you across the bar. All staff spoke to us continually in German, even continuing to do so after we pointed out we were English, they even responded to us in German if we spoke Spanish!!
The entertainment was, well, words fail me. Again this was supposed to be a 4 Star hotel yet I've seen better entertainment at a Haven/Butlins. There was absolutely nothing in English (or even Spanish) and from what we gathered the sole entertainment at this hotel consisted of a so called singer once a week, Bingo every single chuffin night, a Magic show that looked like something performed by the Chuckle Brothers (mind you it was all in German so we didn't have a clue what was going on anyway.) Oh almost forgot the "disco". Even my 7 year old said it was rubbish as it was just a CD running on a loop meaning you heard the same 3 songs over and over again!
The food was beyond awful. I'm surprised no one came down with food poisoning. The evening meal was tasteless, revolting tat. Chips, chips, chips every single night (cold ones at that). The Pork and Chicken was undercooked and bloody. There were constant queues for anything half edible as the food kept running out (everything accept the damned chips). Brussel Sprouts for breakfast - not kidding !!!The plates, glasses and cutlery were dirty, water stained and covered in dried on food from the previous nights meal. Tables weren't cleaned from the previous sitting meaning you either sat amongst dirty plates/cups or moved them yourself. You couldn't find a teaspoon for love nor money to stir your coffee. One night we sat and watched a group of guests putting their hands and fingers in the chocolate fountain that others were supposed to eat afterwards and no-one said a thing to them. We gave up after 4 nights and ate out for the rest of the holiday. What a waste of money the half board option was at this hotel. One final note on the food. If you do have the misfortune to stay here DONT order anything from the pool bar. We ordered a cheeseburger which was served to us TWICE frozen solid (still had ice on it). When we complained they didn't appear to understand that you are supposed to cook beef burgers.
The pool area was lovely but far too small for a hotel this size and as for sunlongers, well! To get one you need to sprint to the pool side at about 6.30 to "place your towel". I think the sunbed to guest ratio was in line with lifeboats on the Titanic i.e. not enough.
Considering this hotel had apparently very recently been refurbished the hotel also looked like it was suffering from some serious subsidence as there was a dirty big crack right down the middle of the structure. I was half expecting our side of the hotel to fall away into oblivion in the middle of the night.
We did take some solace in the knowledge that we were among a handful of British holiday makers who were all having the same awful experience. In fact on our next to last day we had a "tell us what you think" questionnaire shoved under or room door and surprisingly enough it was written in, yep you've guessed it, German. I took it to reception to ask for an English version and was overheard by another English couple who advised me not to waste my time. It seems that this hotel is just not for anyone other than the Germans.